Friday, January 27, 2023

So Many Things We Cannot Control... And That is Okay



There are many versions of the Serenity Prayer. My favorite one goes like this:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change 
The courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know that's me.  

There is simplicity in this little prayer, and it's also a bit infuriating. As trauma survivors, we want to control everything - and that makes a lot of sense. In many kinds of trauma, power was taken from us or we felt completely powerless - and that feels awful. It can feel unfair and frightening and angering and it makes a lot of sense that we never want to feel that way ever again. 

We want to make sure a trauma like this never happens again in the future, which is incredibly logical, but this implies that our past trauma was somehow our fault or that we could have prevented it. 

But it wasn't our fault and we could not have prevented it. I know that this is hard for trauma survivors to believe. This is why in Cognitive Processing Therapy, a treatment for PTSD, we talk about power and control "stuck points" and work to shift our thought processes to aid in our healing and start the PTSD recovery process. 

Any change can feel especially risky for those of us recovering from PTSD because we develop a habit of grasping for power and control issues in all arenas. And that, my friend, is crazy-making because the only thing I can change is me and the only thing you can change is you. 

There is no such thing as overnight change when it comes to PTSD, but we can start by recognizing that we've built a habit that is very logical in the context of PTSD - it makes perfect sense. And, when this is no longer working for us, it is time to start a new process of putting this habit down. 

Time to drop the rock.

*****

If you believe change is possible, you want to change, and you are willing to do the work, you absolutely CAN get your life back.”

Get your copy of The Soldier's Guide to PTSDThe Soldier's Workbook

or Acknowledge & Heal, A Women's-Focused Guide to PTSD




Saturday, January 21, 2023

Being "The Fixer" - A Toxic Relationship Pattern


Are you caught in a toxic trap of being “the fixer”? 

This is the person who swoops in and rescues others – either people or groups or organizations. This is  a toxic trap because nobody wins, especially the fixer themselves.

Now who doesn’t want a fixer in their life — someone to rescue them from their problems? (I know that I could use one!) But this is written to my fellow fixers out there who run to the rescue because, “if I don’t do it, who will?”

Being the fixer feels good… until it doesn’t. So let’s talk about it – because this is a toxic kiss of death in a relationship.

Too often, we don’t realize that we are the fixer in a relationship because being the fixer feels good, and we feel like we are making an impact. But being a fixer is the result of warped boundaries.

There is a difference between caring for others and being a fixer. Fixers feel deeply responsible for others' stability, satisfaction, or happiness, and this is true for both individuals and groups. We are quick to jump in and solve problems; this creates a short-term solution, relieves anxiety, and can make us feel like the hero. But this pay-off can be short lived unless we are ready to being the fixer full-time. 

A fixer doesn’t just solve the problem, they become the solution. And this is problematic because we block the natural consequences of action - or inaction.

My favorite version of the serenity prayer goes like this: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know that is me." When I act as a fixer, I am intervening in a way that is not healthy for the individual or organization I am trying to help and is not healthy for me in the long term, either. 

Sometimes we have to allow things to break so that they can be fixed. When we fix a person’s uncomfortable consequences, it keeps them from learning through pain. Moreover, when we become the solution, we rob others of the experience of overcoming life’s challenges on their own.

A healthy relationship is a two-way street where there’s mutual respect. Fixers create an unhealthy sense of dependency and that sabotages mutual respect. Of course there are situations where someone we care about experiences a crisis not of their own making, but, even in those situations, being a fixer isn’t ideal. We can support others through the process of recovery without doing the work for them, and this is a healthier balance.

Fixers are not just for individuals; we can also run to the rescue of organizations or systems, whether this is in the workplace, our kid's soccer team, or a family system. When we become the fixer for an organization or system, it is likely to be "rewarded" with more responsibility, work, and (eventually) blame. It's like that expression: "no good deed goes unpunished."

So how can we stop being the fixer? 

First, let's step back and assess the situation so that we can see ourselves and the situation clearly. We can ask ourselves how this person or this system got to the point where they need to be rescued - is this part of a larger pattern of behavior or neglect or is this truly unexpected? 

Next, let's examine how the person or system can fix their problems with our support and not with us being the actual solution. We must remember that taking ownership of problems we did not create deprives others or the opportunity to learn and grow.

Lastly, we need to look at our own motivation... and this can feel cringy. Are we fixing problems to help our own emotional distress over others' choices? Is our desire to fix motivated by guilt, shame, or embarrassment? Do we want to be the hero or feel that we cannot be valued unless we run to the rescue?

When we empower others rather than fix them, we foster independence and pull ourselves out of the middle. Because the guy in the middle always gets porked.

*****

If you believe change is possible, you want to change, and you are willing to do the work, you absolutely CAN get your life back.”

Get your copy of The Soldier's Guide to PTSDThe Soldier's Workbook

or Acknowledge & Heal, A Women's-Focused Guide to PTSD

Friday, January 13, 2023

Combatting Negative Self-Talk



 

Self-talk is that stream of thoughts and dialogue in our minds throughout the day - and perhaps what keeps us from sleeping well at night. Self-talk can be our greatest cheerleader, but also our most viscous inner critic. So how can we change our inner dialogue if it is no longer helping us? 

We can start by recognizing negative thinking patterns and their impact on how we feel and our behavior. Cognitive Processing Therapy, an evidence-based treatment for PTSD, does a great job of describing what they call, "Patterns of Problematic Thinking." They are:

  1. Jumping to conclusions or predicting the future
  2. Exaggerating or minimizing a situation (blowing things way out of proportion or shrinking their importance inappropriately)
  3. Ignoring important parts of a situation
  4. Oversimplifying things as good/bad or right/wrong
  5. Over-generalizing from a single incident (a negative event is seen as a never-ending pattern)
  6. Mind reading (we assume people are thinking negatively of us when there is no definite evidence for this)
  7. Emotional reasoning (using our emotions as proof, e.g., "I feel fear so I must be in danger")

Taking time to identify our automatic thoughts and examine them is key. We can do this through journaling or reflection. Identify the thought, and ask "What triggered this? How did it affect how I felt or acted?"

As we get better at recognizing these automatic and negative thinking patterns, we can work to challenge them. To do this, we can put these thoughts, "on trial" and ask ourselves what the evidence is for these thoughts - and would the evidence hold up in court? We can continue to interrogate the negative self-talk - maybe we are engaging in an "all or nothing" thinking pattern, or our self-talk is based on feelings rather than facts.

Unraveling negative self-talk is a process and it will help us to focus on progress rather than perfection. We developed these habits over a long period of time, and probably for good reason. Maybe we used this self-talk to motivate ourselves or protect ourselves - and that is okay. But when it is no longer serving us, it is time to put negative self-talk down. 


*****

If you believe change is possible, you want to change, and you are willing to do the work, you absolutely CAN get your life back.”

Get your copy of The Soldier's Guide to PTSDThe Soldier's Workbook

or Acknowledge & Heal, A Women's-Focused Guide to PTSD

Wednesday, January 11, 2023

The 11th: Buddy Check Day

The 11th day of each month is Buddy Check Day reminding us to check in with other veterans. By getting in touch with others, we can enjoy camaraderie, check on each other’s well-being, and maybe even connect another veteran with a service they can use.

Buddy Check can be as simple as picking up the phone, talking, texting, or visiting.

Buddy Check Day is a great opportunity for veterans to connect with each other, and for other community members to reach out and connect with veterans.

It promotes camaraderie and connectedness. It also serves as an opportunity to educate folks on issues that are relevant to veterans across Texas and to educate folks on the services that are available to veterans.

We value your feedback and ideas! Reach out on our Community Facebook Page!

*****

If you believe change is possible, you want to change, and you are willing to do the work, you absolutely CAN get your life back.”

Get your copy of The Soldier's Guide to PTSDThe Soldier's Workbook

or Acknowledge & Heal, A Women's-Focused Guide to PTSD

 

Friday, January 6, 2023

Emotional Abuse: Gaslighting


Gaslighting falls under the categories of emotional and mental abuse. 
 

The term Gaslighting comes from the movie Gaslight (1944) which was based on the 1938 Victorian thriller Gas Light, written by the British novelist and playwright Patrick Hamilton(Spoiler Alert) In both versions we see a woman being slowly manipulated by her husband into believing that she is going insane. This is done so that he can have her committed and steal her inheritance. 

Dr. Robin Stern coined the term “gaslight effect” in her 2007 book The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others use to Control Your Life. 

“In the vernacular, the phrase ‘to gaslight’ refers to the act of undermining another person’s reality by denying facts, the environment around them, or their feelings. Targets of gaslighting are manipulated into turning against their cognition, their emotions, and who they fundamentally are as people.” 

Gaslighting is a way of invalidating the survivor. Wearing them down until they no longer have the will to fight. It is done slowly, through systematic manipulation, which leads the survivor to question their own reality. 

According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, techniques a person may use to gaslight someone include:

·         Countering: Questioning the survivor’s memory of events, especially when the survivor has an accurate account.

“Are you sure that’s what happened? You know you have a terrible memory.” 

·         Withholding: Refusing to engage with the survivor in order to control the narrative.

(The silent treatment. Stonewalling.) 

·         Trivializing: Belittling or disregarding of the other person’s feelings.

“You’re too sensitive. Why do you always have to blow up over little things?" 

·         Denial: Denial of an event, pretending nothing happened, or accusing the survivor of making things up.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. That’s not the way things went down.” 

·         Diverting: Changing the focus of a discussion and questioning the survivor’s credibility.

“Where did you get that idea? Did your friend put you up to this? You know they hate me.” 

While anyone can experience gaslighting, it is especially common in intimate relationships and in social interactions where there is an imbalance of power. Survivors of gaslighting often find it difficult to realize they are experiencing abuse. They may not question the abusive person’s behavior because the one doing the gaslighting is in a position of authority, or because the survivor feels reliant on them.

Common Signs You Have Been A Survivor Of Gaslighting Include:

·         Feeling confused and constantly second-guessing yourself

·         Having trouble making simple decisions

·         Frequently questioning if you are being too sensitive

·         Becoming withdrawn or unsociable

·         Constantly feeling the need to apologize to the abusive person

·         Defending or making excuses for the abusive person’s behavior

·         Feeling hopeless, joyless, worthless, or incompetent

Learning how to recognize emotional abuse is an important step in healing from it. Did you or a loved one recognize gaslighting in a relationship? We value your feedback and ideas! Reach out on our Community Facebook Page!

*****

If you believe change is possible, you want to change, and you are willing to do the work, you absolutely CAN get your life back.”

Get your copy of The Soldier's Guide to PTSDThe Soldier's Workbook

or Acknowledge & Heal, A Women's-Focused Guide to PTSD