Time for Our Annual Holiday Boundaries Pep Talk!

 

Okay, Team - here we go! It's our annual boundaries pep talk (because homicide is illegal). To protect our self-worth (and stave off any jail time), let's get back to square one: 

Toxic relationships are like poison to our well-being, and setting boundaries is the antidote. Boundaries serve as a way for us to communicate what is acceptable or unacceptable in our lives. However, for those who have experienced trauma, this can be a difficult task. Trauma can leave us feeling vulnerable and questioning our self-worth, leading us to fall back on unhealthy coping mechanisms or people-pleasing behaviors to avoid conflict.

But establishing healthy boundaries is an act of self-respect. It sends a clear message to ourselves and others that we deserve to be treated with honor, respect, and value. Boundaries also demonstrate confidence. Since confidence is often one of the casualties of PTSD, we have to relearn (or maybe learn for the first time) how to make a healthy, reasonable boundary, how to maintain it, and what to do if someone chooses to ignore it.  

Making healthy boundaries seems like it should be easy and intuitive, but it definitely is not. Let’s start here: 

Ground Rules

1. Healthy boundaries make healthy relationships.

Boundaries are essential in any healthy relationship, whether it's between spouses, friends, coworkers, or parents and children. They communicate that one deserves to be treated with honor, respect, and value, which is crucial for maintaining healthy interpersonal connections.

2. People do not know our boundaries unless we state them clearly and succinctly. 

Yes, in a perfect world, people “should” know how to act, but, let’s be real, not everyone is great at adulting. Some people don’t know that racist comments are not okay. Some people don’t understand that unsolicited touching is creepy. Let’s not waste time getting mad about what “should be.” Instead, let’s remember that half the people we meet are below average and common sense is not common. Boundaries are not intuitive. We must state our boundaries clearly and concisely - out loud - to other people. 

3. Reasonable people respect reasonable boundaries. 

The inherent problem with this is that not all people are reasonable. Sad news of the day: the world is full of psychopaths and assholes. When people choose to ignore reasonable boundaries, they are sometimes the former and usually the latter. The problem is not our boundary, it is their choice. 

4. Our boundaries, their choice. 

We create healthy boundaries, and we have absolutely no control over other people or how they act. When we state our healthy boundaries - out loud - clearly and concisely, other people then choose whether they want to respect our boundaries or not. If they choose to respect the boundary, great. If not, then we know this is not a healthy interpersonal connection to maintain.

*****

“If you believe change is possible, you want to change, and you are willing to do the work, you absolutely CAN get your life back.”

Get your copy of The Soldier's Guide to PTSD, The Soldier's Workbook, 

or Acknowledge & Heal, A Women's-Focused Guide to PTSD

Holidays are Hard: Healthy Boundaries

For many people, strong social support fosters recovery, and toxic relationships usher in relapse. To manage the latter, we need to talk about boundaries. 

Boundaries protect you. They let the people around you know how you define what is acceptable or unacceptable. For people who have been through traumatic experiences, however, this task is a tough one. Experiencing trauma makes you feel unsafe, and can challenge your sense of self-worth, leading trauma survivors to lean back on their placating or maladaptive tendencies to avoid conflict. 

Healthy boundaries are the ultimate form of self-respect. They say to us and the world, “I deserve to be honored, respected, and valued.” Boundaries denote confidence. Since confidence is often one of the casualties of PTSD, we have to relearn (or maybe learn for the first time) how to make a healthy, reasonable boundary, how to maintain it, and what to do if someone chooses to ignore it. 

Making healthy boundaries seems like it should be easy and intuitive, but it’s not. Let’s start here:

Ground Rules

1. Healthy boundaries make healthy relationships.

There is no such thing as a healthy relationship without boundaries, whether it is a marriage relationship, a friend, colleagues, or the relationship you have with your children. Healthy boundaries say, “I deserve to be honored, respected, and valued” and this is important for any healthy interpersonal relationship. 

           2. People do not know our boundaries unless we state them clearly and succinctly.

Yes, in a perfect world, people “should” know how to act, but suffice it to say that not everyone is great at adulting. Some people do not know that racist comments are not okay. Some people do not understand that unsolicited touching is creepy. Let’s not waste time getting mad about what “should be.” Instead, let’s remember that half the people we meet are below average and common sense is not common. Boundaries are not intuitive. We must state our boundaries clearly and concisely—out loud—to other people.

 3. Reasonable people respect reasonable boundaries.

The inherent problem with this is that not all people are reasonable. Sad news of the day: the world is full of psychopaths and assholes. When people choose to ignore reasonable boundaries, they are sometimes the former and usually the latter. The problem is not our boundary, it is their choice. 

         4. Our boundaries, their choice.

We create healthy boundaries, and we have absolutely no control over other people or how they act. When we state our healthy boundaries—out loud—clearly and concisely, other people then choose whether they want to respect our boundaries or not. 

*****

“If you believe change is possible, you want to change, and you are willing to do the work, you absolutely CAN get your life back.”

Get Your Copy of The Soldier's Guide to PTSD, The Soldier's PTSD Workbook, 

or pre-order Acknowledge and Heal: A Women-Focused Guide To Understanding PTSD

Boundaries and PTSD

Healthy boundaries are the ultimate form of self-respect because they say to the world, I just deserve to be honored, respected, and valued. Boundaries denote confidence. 

Since confidence is one of the casualties of PTSD, we likely have to relearn (or maybe learn for the first time) how to make a healthy, reasonable boundary, how to maintain it, and what to do if someone chooses to ignore it. 

Making healthy boundaries seems like it should be easy and intuitive, but it's not. So let's start.

1. Healthy boundaries make healthy relationships

There is no such thing as a healthy relationship without boundaries, whether it's a marriage, a friend, a colleague, or the relationship that you have with your kids. Healthy boundaries say I deserve to be honored respected and valued and this is important for any healthy interpersonal relationship.

2. People do not know our boundaries unless we state them clearly and succinctly

In a perfect world, people should know how to act, but this is not a thing. Some people think that offensive comments are okay some people don't understand that unsolicited touching is creepy. Let's not waste time getting mad about what "should" be. Instead, let's remember that half the people we meet are below average and common sense is not common. Boundaries are not intuitive. Therefore, we must State our boundaries clearly and concisely, out loud, to other people.

3. Reasonable people respect reasonable boundaries

The inherent problem with this is that not all people are reasonable. Sad news of the day. The world is full of psychopaths and assholes. 

4. It's our boundary and their choice

We create healthy boundaries, and then we have absolutely no control over other people or how they act. When we state or healthy boundaries, out loud, clearly and concisely, other people then choose whether they want to respect our boundaries or not.

This is hard to hear, so I'm saying this with a lot of love and empathy: when people choose to ignore our reasonable boundaries, they are saying in no uncertain terms, loud and clear, I do not respect you and I do not want a relationship with you that is not on my terms. No exceptions.

Boundaries are vital to relapse prevention for PTSD. You can read more about boundaries in The Soldier's Guide to PTSD.

*****

“If you believe change is possible, you want to change, and you are willing to do the work, you absolutely CAN get your life back.”

Get your copy of The Soldier's Guide to PTSD, The Soldier's Workbook, 

or Acknowledge & Heal, A Women's-Focused Guide to PTSD