Toxic Positivity and First Responders

 

First responders are heroes, bravely risking their lives to save others. No doubt about that. They deal with trauma on a daily basis. And when on the job, they must maintain emotional control in order to effectively help those in need. Compartmentalizing emotions is a big part of that. And that’s a mentally and physically demanding thing to do. Their dedication to prioritizing the safety and well-being of their communities often means putting their own needs second.  

Toxic positivity is the band aid they put over their feelings. They suck it up, (or are told to) because that’s what it takes to be a life saver. They see their peers doing just fine and berate themselves for feeing so bad. Or maybe they do mention they’re feeling a bit out of sorts and the feedback they get is one of those phrases listed above. Pick your poison. Any invalidating response when someone reaches out for help is going to result in silence and buried feelings. And that’s what makes this so toxic.  

Now, I’m not saying everything has to be heavy or serious all the time. Having a positive outlook on life is good for your mental well-being. Trying to remain optimistic when times get tough can be good... up to a point. Practicing false cheerfulness, to avoid addressing feelings that are weighing us down, however, leaves negativity to fester and erode our mental health. 

Toxic Positivity can cause serious harm to people who are going through difficult times. Rather than being able to share their troubles and gain much needed support, the invalidation of toxic positivity leaves people feeling dismissed and shamed, compounding the problems they’re already dealing with. 

Among the worst offenders of toxic positive responses, in my opinion, is false praise. Now, I might not be a first responder, but I’ve endured my fair share of trauma. And like you, I avoid having to ask for help. But, when I’ve broken down and finally do reach out for help, I’m hoping the person I’m opening up to will be there for me. To have someone reply with something like, “I just admire how strong you are. I could never endure all you have. Keep up the good work, you’ll get through it.”  

Hearing that is possibly worse than being told to shut up and grow a pair. Not only is it a “no” on the help I’ve asked for, it’s a special kind of knife twist because they’re reminding me of how hard I have struggled while humble bragging about how easy their life is in comparison. It’s not a true validation of the pain, nor an offer for help.  

What do you say after that? Well, just like being told to “suck it up,” when false praise comes back as your answer, there is only one thing to do. 

You shut those feelings down and try to bury them. You push aside any of the bad feelings, the compassion fatigue, and the lingering sense of burnout. You know you have no one but yourself, so you go within. Isolation begins. But feelings don’t like to stay down. They will come up again.

     You blame the bad mood that has become a permanent undercurrent of your personality on a bad call or a poor night of sleep. You look to your peers to see just how weak you are in comparison. Shame sets in.  

This is where the stigma reinforces the idea that if someone is struggling, they might not have what it takes to do the job.  

You start gaslighting yourself.  

“None of the others on the team seem to have problems. I just have to try harder. Suck it up. Don’t be such a whiner. Things could be worse.” 

Talking about problems is taboo, so you don’t want to burden anyone (including your loved ones) with your trivial feelings. You become avoidant of social situations because what’s the point? Isolation becomes an additional part of your personality. You say it’s because you don’t want to drag everyone down with your mood, or you’re just too tired after a long day. Maybe you start self-medicating at the end of the shift to help raise your spirits. And for a while, maybe you think that’s all you need. Alcohol numbs the pain a bit. Sleeping pills help you get more rest. But the truth is, if you’re self-medicating to help keep those buried feelings numb and isolating from your support network, you’re already half-way down the slippery slope.  

You can’t ignore trauma, and there is no way to think it away with happy thoughts. You have to address it or the problem will get worse. It’s not weakness to ask for help. And if you have asked and been treated to some toxic positivity for your trouble, I’m sorry. But you have to try again. Reach out to your support network, close friends, family, and your partner. The people who love you will not see your problems as a burden. They want to see you healthy. 

*****

“If you believe change is possible, you want to change, and you are willing to do the work, you absolutely CAN get your life back.”

Get your copy of The Soldier's Guide to PTSD, The Soldier's Workbook, 

or Acknowledge & Heal, A Women's-Focused Guide to PTSD

Toxic Positivity: The External Voice that Doesn't Help

We’ve mentioned that shame is the internal voice that tells us we are horrible and a burden and should keep our problems to ourselves. Well, there is an equally insidious “outside voice” version of this, too. We call this toxic positivity. Rather than coming from within, this is the feedback we get from others, or what we tell ourselves, that reinforces our shame and prevents us from seeking help. 

Toxic Positivity is a form of invalidation and falls into the category of gaslighting and emotional abuse. Yeah, it can be that serious.

       Instead of facing difficult emotions, Toxic Positivity rejects or ignores the negative, glossing over emotional pain with a cheerful, often falsely positive, facade. This can come in the form of burying one’s own feelings and avoiding anything negative, or it can come as a response to expressing those negative feelings with another person.  

Common examples: 

Feigning Gratitude or Praise. 

Focusing on gratitude to bypass emotions. Gratitude is not a bad thing. Neither is praise. But they can be when used to invalidate or ignore your pain.

Look on the bright side.

Count your blessings.

I just can’t believe how strong you are. I’d never survive what you’re going through. Keep up the good work.

     Comparing 

Just because someone else is seemingly handling a tough time “better” than you, that's no reason to start comparing. Everyone handles things in their own way.

You think you have it rough?

It could be worse.

If I can do it, so can you. 

Dismissing Difficult Emotions 

When difficult emotions arise, you completely push them down, insisting you must stay positive. It’s a form of gaslighting.

Everything happens for a reason.

You signed up for this. Now suck it up and do your job.

Failure is not an option.

         A toxic positivity response creates a disconnect in a person’s ability to rely on their social support structure. And the worst part is these responses can come from others, or it can come from your own mind. 

*****

“If you believe change is possible, you want to change, and you are willing to do the work, you absolutely CAN get your life back.”

Get your copy of The Soldier's Guide to PTSD, The Soldier's Workbook, 

or Acknowledge & Heal, A Women's-Focused Guide to PTSD 

Shame: a Catalyst for Damage and Destruction to our Mental Health.

 

Burying feelings of trauma and shame only further entrenches them. 

A personal favorite of mine, Dr. Brené Brown, who has spent decades studying courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy, describes shame as, 

“The intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging—something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.” 

Brown explains that all shame needs to grow is the destructive trio of silence, secrecy and judgement. Unfortunately, when many of us experience pain or suffering, we allow shame to force us into the silence. Yet, according to Dr. Brown, the more we try to avoid speaking about shame, the more control it has over us and the more it negatively impacts our lives. 

Often, when experiencing pain or shame, we mistakenly believe that our pain must be proportional to an event or a loss that has been suffered, and when we feel our experience is insignificant compared to the experiences of others, we further bury our shame and isolate ourselves from the very thing that helps us to heal, connection with others. 

Many people are afraid to share their true experiences because they feel it is too “trivial” or they feel their pain is “unworthy” of burdening others. Some simply hide their pain for fear of the stigma associated with mental health issues in a culture where they are expected to “suck it up.” 

The problem with failing to express and address pain, no matter how seemingly insignificant, it will find a way to seep into and negatively impact other areas of life. In effect, shame becomes a catalyst for more damage and destruction. 

Take time today to speak your experience out loud.

*****

“If you believe change is possible, you want to change, and you are willing to do the work, you absolutely CAN get your life back.”

Get your copy of The Soldier's Guide to PTSD, The Soldier's Workbook, 

or Acknowledge & Heal, A Women's-Focused Guide to PTSD