When Shame Becomes Toxic

 

We've all experienced moments of shame before, whether it's from making a mistake at work or acting unkindly towards someone. But there's a deeper and more damaging type of shame called toxic shame.

Toxic shame is not just a fleeting feeling, but a constant state of worthlessness and self-hatred that stems from traumatic experiences (abuse, neglect, or other instances of poor treatment) by those around you. 

Toxic Shame has its roots in criticism. Most criticism is intended to correct a behavior, however, when the focus of that criticism is that you, rather than your behavior choices, are the problem the seed of shame is planted. Repeated emotional and/or physical attacks teach a person to absorb and accept the feeling that they are worthless and should be ashamed of themselves, whether or not they actually did something wrong. 

When someone intentionally inflicts toxic shame on another person, it strips them of their sense of self-worth and leaves them feeling undeserving of help or support.

Sadly, this cycle of toxic shame can be passed down through generations, as parents who have experienced it themselves unknowingly perpetuate it onto their own children. But toxic shame can also occur in any close relationship where one person uses it as a weapon for control and emotional abuse.

Some symptoms of toxic shame include: 

Constant self-criticism

Perfectionism

Low self-esteem

Depression and anxiety

Procrastination

Extreme sensitivity to the opinion of others

Sleep issues

Eating disorders

Substance use

Let’s stop right here. Take a moment and read the following statement:  

You are not worthless. 

You deserve to feel comfortable in your own skin. 

You deserve to heal.  

Read it again. Keep reading that statement until you believe it, because, friend, you do deserve to heal. And until you believe it, you cannot begin to heal. 

What is your experience with toxic shame? 

*****

“If you believe change is possible, you want to change, and you are willing to do the work, you absolutely CAN get your life back.”

Get your copy of The Soldier's Guide to PTSD, The Soldier's Workbook, 

or Acknowledge & Heal, A Women's-Focused Guide to PTSD

The Dangers of Toxic Positivity

 

Having a positive outlook on life is often praised and encouraged, but it's important to acknowledge that life is not always sunshine and rainbows. Negative emotions and experiences are a natural part of the human experience and can even be critical for personal growth.

Toxic positivity, on the other hand, is when we constantly try to avoid or dismiss those negative feelings in favor of only focusing on the positive. It may seem harmless, but toxic positivity can have harmful effects on our mental well-being and relationships.

By burying our own feelings or invalidating the feelings of others, we are denying ourselves the opportunity to address and work through difficult emotions. This can lead to those negative feelings festering and causing more harm in the long run.

Moreover, toxic positivity can be especially damaging to those going through tough times. Instead of offering support and understanding, the constant push for positivity can make them feel dismissed and isolated. This only adds to a person’s struggles.

Toxic Positivity is: 

• Shaming: Toxic positivity tells people that the emotions they are feeling are unacceptable.

• Causes guilt. It sends a message that if a person can’t feel positive, even in the face of tragedy, that they are doing something wrong. 
  
  
• Avoids empathy. Toxic positivity allows people to sidestep emotional situations that might make them feel uncomfortable. This becomes a societal pattern. When we feel difficult emotions, we then discount, dismiss, and deny them for ourselves and others. 

• Prevents growth. Dismissing and denying negative feelings also prevents us from facing those challenging feelings which, if worked through, could lead to growth and deeper insight. 

Common examples: 

Feigning Gratitude. Focusing on gratitude as a way to bypass emotions. Gratitude is not a bad thing, but it can be when you're using it to invalidate yourself.

“Look on the bright side.” 

“Count your blessings."  

Comparing. Just because someone else is seemingly handling a tough time “better” than you, that's no reason to start comparing. Everyone handles things in their own way. 

"You think you have it rough?” 

"It could be worse.” 

"If I can do it, so can you.” 

Dismissing Difficult Emotions. When difficult emotions arise, you completely push them down, insisting you must stay positive. It’s a form of gaslighting. 

"Everything happens for a reason.” 

"Positive Vibes Only.” 

"Failure is not an option.” 

"Don’t worry, be happy!”  

A toxic positive response, rather than an empathetic one, creates a disconnect in a person’s ability to rely on their social support structure.  

THE BOTTOM LINE: People going through trauma don’t need to be told to stay positive, they need empathy. When someone is suffering, they need to know that their emotions are valid, and they can find relief and love in their friends and family. Negative emotions need to be validated, explored, and processed. 

Have you experienced toxic positivity? How did you address it? 

*****

“If you believe change is possible, you want to change, and you are willing to do the work, you absolutely CAN get your life back.”

Get your copy of The Soldier's Guide to PTSD, The Soldier's Workbook, 

or Acknowledge & Heal, A Women's-Focused Guide to PTSD

Busting PTSD Myths

 

Unfortunately, there are many rumors about PTSD that are simply NOT true. One of the biggest misconceptions about PTSD is that those who have experienced trauma can't be successful members of society. 

Let's talk about why this is a load of bull: 

When we define trauma and what someone with a trauma history looks like, we often miss out on seeing the truth of their personal history. Trauma is often thought of as an isolated event: a car crash, sexual assault, or maybe something happening during military service. While singular events can be traumatic, we’re ignoring a whole host of ongoing situations and relational traumas a person can experience. Many of which are outlined in Acknowledge & Heal, A Women's-Focused Guide to PTSD.

We expect to see someone showing some form of self-destructive behavior in an attempt to self-sooth. But that’s not always the case.  

When a person is exposed to ongoing trauma, their mind tries to adapt. It’s the brain’s job to keep us alive, so in situations where we can’t escape our trauma, the brain switches from fight-or-flight, or to a more adaptive "tend and befriend" mode, allowing us to remain as safe as possible in the ongoing traumatic situation.  

In short, we develop coping mechanisms to keep everything peaceful. And, as long as things are relatively calm in our lives, we appear “normal.” 

In some cases, our focus turns outward, toward the things we can control: grades, promotions, seeking independence, and financial security. Many trauma survivors become fiercely independent because of the betrayal of the trauma they experienced left them knowing the only person they could rely on was themselves (e.g. a former child of abusive or neglectful parents). To a spectator, these individuals seem like they have it all together. They couldn’t possibly be struggling with PTSD, right?  

Wrong!  

Unfortunately, this outward appearance of success does not mean that the person is not suffering from PTSD. In fact, by perfecting a mask of indifference and building emotional barriers over time, they may have become desensitized to their own struggles and may be difficult to diagnose.

Either way the pendulum swings, self-destructive or super high-functioning, the person who has experienced trauma (singular or ongoing) is attempting to compensate for it. And that may work for them for many years, until it doesn’t. 

The bottom line is that being outwardly high-functioning and needing trauma recovery work are not mutually exclusive. Just because someone appears to be high functioning, it doesn’t mean they don’t suffer.

*****

“If you believe change is possible, you want to change, and you are willing to do the work, you absolutely CAN get your life back.”

Get your copy of The Soldier's Guide to PTSD, The Soldier's Workbook, 

or Acknowledge & Heal, A Women's-Focused Guide to PTSD

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