First, let’s wipe out the fantasy that we have a choice whether our body goes into fight, flight, or freeze - because that’s not a thing. When we’re in danger, our brain kicks into high gear and takes over to protect out life. You do not get a choice; in a split second your brain makes the choice for you.
Think about those nature shows where lions are hunting gazelle-snacks. No gazelle is going to get its back up and whoop some lion’s ass, so he’s left with two choices: flight or freeze - and both of these are legit survival methods. The eye sees what is moving (“I’m up, they see me, I’m down”) so a lion may not notice the stock-still gazelle frozen right next to him. The folks who design military training know this and we go to great measures to train the freeze out of us. Live-fire exercises, rote memorization questioning techniques, fire and movement - we do this training over and over again so that our brain passes over freeze and jumps into habit under fire. But no one trains us how to get raped, or how to hold a buddy while they die, or how to respond when we see a detainee get schwacked. That is not a thing, my friends. There is no fighting back, there is no running away; we freeze.
The degree of self-blame that comes with freeze is overwhelming. Sometimes we have this fantasy that, “if I didn’t freeze, everything would have been different,” or “if I didn’t freeze, I could have fought back.”
I say this with love: it’s possible that you’re wrong. Freeze is not a choice; your brain took over and kept you alive.
Bottom line is that you deserve to get your life back, and there are therapy treatments (like Prolonged Exposure Therapy, Cognitive Processing Therapy, and EMDR) that are designed to help you with your symptoms. You can do this.
“If you believe change is possible, you want to change, and you are willing to do the work, you absolutely CAN get your life back.”