Social Support: The Key to Lasting Change

 

“Social Support.” This is what mental health professionals call “friends” and researchers have shown over and again the importance of social support in treating PTSD. Our therapist is part of our support team, and we have to build on this foundation. Making friends is difficult, especially if we have PTSD. So, let’s talk about it... 

Back in the day, making friends was easy. As a kid, we made friends in school or in our neighborhood, and in the military, we have our unit. Making friends gets harder as we get older. We realize that for guys, it’s weird to approach another dude and say, “want to hang out?” Women are different in this regard, but we also tend to isolate ourselves in the face of PTSD, saying things like, "I don't want to bother them with this. they have their own crap they're going through. My friends are just all so busy. I don't want them to think I'm a drama bomb." 

Real talk: if you would drop everything for a friend that is going through what you are going through, then give them the same respect to come and help you. 

Even when we know that making friends and building networks helps us recover from PTSD, it is an anxiety-inducing idea. Some people are natural extroverts (and yay for you), but normal people worry about making new friends, especially if our PTSD has poisoned our other relationships. It’s normal to worry. “What if new people learn about my PTSD and freak out? What if I have a melt-down, or if I hurt someone by accident? Maybe I’m better off protecting the world by keeping to myself because people have their own problems and they don’t need mine.” 

We hear you, friend, and want to put this into perspective. Trying to make friends is a big risk. We can be rejected, others can judge us and be crappy, and we might be terrible at making new friends—but we also know that social support is a major determining factor in our recovery from PTSD. In other words, to get better, this is a risk we need to take. 

Because this is important, we want to take you back to the Big Two questions:

(Q1) Do we believe it’s possible?

Do we believe it’s possible that we could get out of our comfort zone, break out of that Criterion C of avoidance, and connect with another person, either in-person or virtually? Is it possible that there is another person in this world who is not crappy? Is it possible that we can use this powerful—and proven—tool of social support to fight our PTSD symptoms? Is it possible that we deserve to be loved and cared for by others?   

Moving on to...

(Q2) “Do we want to change?” (but rephrasing it differently)

The second question can’t be, “Do we want to make friends?” Because we already know the answer: NO. With PTSD, we want to avoid other people. This is good old criterion C: avoidance. It’s like asking, “do we want to go to therapy?” Big NO.

So, we need to look at the bigger picture of Q2. Do we want to do the work it will take to recover from PTSD? Do we want to lessen our symptoms? Do we want the people we love to know that we love them? Do we want to build, and possibly rebuild, relationships?

It’s okay to be on the struggle bus about this. Going to therapy and making connections is difficult when we have PTSD, but we have to do it if we are serious about getting our lives back. 

*****

“If you believe change is possible, you want to change, and you are willing to do the work, you absolutely CAN get your life back.”

Get your copy of The Soldier's Guide to PTSD, The Soldier's Workbook, 

or Acknowledge & Heal, A Women's-Focused Guide to PTSD

Memorial Day - Call Your Buddy

Team, this weekend is going to be hard. It's Memorial Day weekend and our Facebook feeds will be full of pictures and tributes to those we've lost to combat and to suicide. And it is hard. I'm not here to force-feed you some rah-rah message about how life can change; I'm here to stand with you - because this weekend consistently sucks every single year and we need each other right now. 

A lot of us will seriously consider suicide this weekend. And I get it. I wish I didn't, but I think we all do - and it's fucking awful to feel this way. Please do your buddy checks this weekend, and nag the shit out of the people you love. Please ask: "are you thinking of suicide right now?" - this doesn't glorify suicide or give anyone ideas, but it does get straight to the point, and this weekend especially that candor is important. 

I've never met a combat Vet who lost more buddies to war than they did to suicide, and that's not okay. Rather than doing 22 push-ups, I encourage you to pick up the phone and call someone to check in. 

If you learn that your battle buddy is in trouble, here's how to get help: call the Veterans Crisis Line at 1-800-273-8255 and Press 1 or send a text to 838255. You can text the crisis line while you are on the phone. Ask you buddy where they are located, who is with them, and whether or not they have a weapon. Pass this info on to the crisis line; they will send emergency services. 

I know that no one wants to piss off their buddy, but no one wants another dead buddy either - so choose your battles. The single most loving thing anyone ever did for me personally was stage an all-out intervention; it saved my life. 

Please consider sharing this info. Thanks, Team - stay safe out there.

TL;DR: call your battle buddy, ask them directly if they want to kill themselves, get them help.

AND YOU - if you're in this head space, talk to someone now - like right now. Call your buddy, call the crisis line, do whatever it takes to hang on until this feeling passes because the world would not be better off without you.

*****

“If you believe change is possible, you want to change, and you are willing to do the work, you absolutely CAN get your life back.”

Get your copy of The Soldier's Guide to PTSD, The Soldier's Workbook, 

or Acknowledge & Heal, A Women's-Focused Guide to PTSD

PTSD and Relapse Prevention: Recognizing our Warning Signs

After we get help with our PTSD, we have to think about relapse. We tend to associate relapse with drug or alcohol use, but this simply means a period of deterioration after a period of improvement. This can happen with PTSD, depression, anxiety, or pretty much anything relating to our health (mental or physical). 

Relapse happens, and it’s not the end of the world when it does. 

One of the chief components of a good relapse prevention plan is to increase self-awareness and be aware of our behavior and thoughts. This is key because recognizing what triggers a relapse, and catching ourselves in negative thoughts or behaviors, is step one in our plan to get back on back on track.

What Are Your Warning Signs?

These can be things, such as the experience of certain emotions, changes in thoughts, or changes in behavior. You may run into a reminder of your trauma or get pulled into a conversation about something that reminds you of it. Anniversaries of a traumatic event are also unavoidable and are often associated with a resurgence in PTSD symptoms.

 

Pay special attention to sudden changes in mood or thoughts like:

“No one cares about me or what I do. What’s the point of going on?”

“I can’t stand being around anyone!”

“Maybe a drink or two will take the edge off my feelings for a little.”

“I don’t remember the last time I showered. I don’t have the energy to do anything these days.”

“Therapy is a waste of time.”

Awareness of your warning signs will allow you to catch yourself and implement coping strategies you learned during treatment. Recognition is step one towards stopping these PTSD symptoms before they have a chance to become unmanageable. If you need to, this would also be a good time to check in with your therapist, loved ones, and support groups.

*****

“If you believe change is possible, you want to change, and you are willing to do the work, you absolutely CAN get your life back.”

Get your copy of The Soldier's Guide to PTSD, The Soldier's Workbook, 

or Acknowledge & Heal, A Women's-Focused Guide to PTSD