Talking to Loved Ones About Mental Health: The Elevator Speech

 

While not everyone in our lives has earned the right to know our story, there are probably some people in our lives who have. Partners, family, and friends (the family we choose) can provide tremendous support, but how do we even begin to explain what we’ve experiencing so that we can get their buy-in?

When I was first diagnosed with PTSD while serving in the military, I needed the support of my loved ones and didn’t know how to start the conversation. I was afraid of being judged and rejected. Later, I became a mental health provider and learned the power of role-playing and using scripts as a way to practice difficult conversations before having them. In this blog we’re going to map out exactly how to talk to the people in our lives who matter about our mental health issues and ask them for support.

To do this, we are going to create an “elevator speech.” I’ve taught this technique hundreds of times over the years and seen it work time and again.

Let’s Begin 

Awful things happen in our personal relationships when we are struggling with mental illness. Persistent negative beliefs about ourselves, other people, and the world can take a shotgun blast to our personal relationships. This is true even with the people we care about the most.

We may not know we are struggling with mental illness, but we often suspect something is off. We may feel like we’re in a funk or not feeling like ourselves, and our loved ones know something is off, too.

Our mental health issue can become “the elephant in the room.” This metaphor means that there is something in the room that is glaringly obvious to everyone, but no one talks about it because the topic is too uncomfortable. To get past this awkwardness, we are going to create an elevator speech.

The Elevator Speech

We get the term “elevator speech” from the business world. It’s brief, about 30 seconds (the time it takes to ride from the bottom to the top of a building in an elevator), and its intent is to clearly and succinctly make a pitch for support. Here are the steps we will use to make our pitch to our loved ones along with some example verbiage as a model:

1. Ask permission. Before rolling out our elevator speech, it’s important that we let our loved one know that we want to talk to them about something important, and we will need about 30 seconds of uninterrupted time to do it. Not everyone we love will be on board for this, and that’s okay.

Relationships take two people, and it is incredibly important that we choose to honor others’ boundaries. This may sound like: “There is something important I’d like to talk to you about. It’s not bad news. If it’s okay, I’d like to say it all at once and I promise it will only take about 30 seconds. Would that be okay?” Wait for a verbal yes and proceed.

Let’s say our loved one is an interrupter. That’s okay. If they interrupt, gently ask again, “Would it be okay with you if I got this all out? I promise I will answer any questions you have in about 30 seconds.”

What if they say no? This happens, and it’s okay. Let them know that if they change their mind, we are available. Reaffirm that we care about them and respect their boundaries. Then, leave it alone. They will talk to you when they are ready.

2. Introduce our elephant. I’m a believer that whenever there is an elephant in the room, we are smart to introduce it. We might feel uncomfortable, or even feel completely numb and find it hard to connect.

All of that is okay so long as we name it: “I feel really nervous talking to you right now. If I sound shaky, it’s because I am, but I’ll be okay.” Or, “I realize that I might sound like I’m not feeling anything right now. It’s hard for me to connect, but I promise that I want to.”

3. Own our past. This is an opportunity for us to own our struggles or behavior completely with no excuses. Keep it simple: “I know that things have been off. I’ve been drinking too much and spending a lot of time alone.” Or, “I’ve had a terrible couple of years, and I’ve struggled with dark thoughts.”

Nothing we say is a revelation; we are simply stating out loud what they already know.

4. The epiphany. This is when we learned something we didn’t know before or realized something we hadn’t fully grasped before. Because of this, our fundamental belief system has changed, or, for the first time, we want our fundamental belief system to change. Epiphanies come in packages large and small, but their impact is profound. This can sound like, “I realized after my last attempt to end my life that I want to live,” or, “I decided that I want to be the best Mom I can be.”

5. Ask for buy-in, manage expectations. This is when the conversation shifts to the here and now. We need support from our loved one, we know this journey will not be easy, and we state our dedication to trying: “I want to change, and I also know that this won’t be easy. I would value your support.” Our journey is not an overnight process, and we need to let our loved ones know we need them and that we are all-in.

6. Love them. Not everyone is comfortable with those three little words, but this is our chance to break ranks. Keep it simple: “the most important thing I want you to know is that I love you and I’m open to answering any questions you have.”

7. Silence. This is the hardest part of the elevator speech because every part of us wants to jump to the rescue or break the awkward silence. I implore you, friend: be quiet and listen. Our silence honors our loves ones’ experience and invites them to share with us. This is how we reconnect.

Our loved one may not be ready to talk with us at that moment, and that’s okay because we have opened a door that is not easily shut. We can let them know that if they change their mind, we are available, and reaffirm that we care. “I completely understand, and I respect your boundaries. If you change your mind, please know that I would value talking with you.” They will talk to you when they are ready. That is when the real connection or reconnection is possible.

Some of us struggle with verbal processing or something that makes talking to another person impossible for us. That’s okay. Write your elevator speech in a letter and hand it to a loved one. It doesn’t matter how we connect; it matters that we choose to do so in an authentic way.

*****

“If you believe change is possible, you want to change, and you are willing to do the work, you absolutely CAN get your life back.”

Get your copy of The Soldier's Guide to PTSD, The Soldier's Workbook, 

or Acknowledge & Heal, A Women's-Focused Guide to PTSD

How to Reduce Dissociation (Feeling Disconnected in the Moment)

Last week on the blog, we talked about dissociation - this is a 50-cent word that means "disconnection" and PTSD can definitely make us feel disconnected from ourselves. This week, we are going to talk about ways to ground and reconnect.

We remember that many times when we dissociate we don't realize we are doing it, and it is brought to our attention by others who see us "in a trance" or "somewhere else." We also remember that dissociation is generally linked back to trauma, and it is our brain's way of trying to cope through avoidance. When we dissociate, we are not going "crazy." In fact, dissociation is an expected symptom of PTSD. 

Let's talk about how to cope with dissociative episodes. This means that we will be working to reduce "spacing out" and help ourselves be more mindful in general. We will focus on being in the present moment. 

Mindfulness Tools 

Controlled Breathing. My favorite tool is called "box breathing" and here is a 2-minute video to help. For this, we will breathe in, hold the breath, breathe out, and hold the breath again. The Navy Seals reportedly do this, and you can, too - here is an article to show you how.

Mindfulness Task. Every one of us probably has one task at work or home that we do mindlessly, like washing the dishes or preparing something. For this task, be intentional and notice how your body feels and take your time to pay close attention to physical sensations throughout your body. While doing this simple task mindfully...

Use Your Five Senses. Name 5 things you see, 4 things you feel, 3 things you hear, 2 things you smell and 1 thing you taste. You can do this during your mindfulness task. This video is helpful to get started.

Journal. Try to recall your day in detail and make a point to notice any dissociations that may have occurred during the day. Then try to remember any thoughts or emotions you experienced before, during, or after the dissociative episode. Perhaps you experienced a trigger before the episode or you recognized you were dissociating while you were doing it. Learning to recognize these episodes is the first step

Remember, the goal is not to clear your mind or stop thinking, but it is to become more aware of our thoughts and feelings rather than getting lost in them. There is no such thing as a "drive through breakthrough" so be easy on yourself during this process. It's about progress, not perfection.

 

*****

“If you believe change is possible, you want to change, and you are willing to do the work, you absolutely CAN get your life back.”

Get your copy of The Soldier's Guide to PTSD, The Soldier's Workbook, 

or Acknowledge & Heal, A Women's-Focused Guide to PTSD

Identifying Dissociation (Feeling Disconnected in the Moment)

 

Dissociation is a 50-cent word that means "disconnection," and PTSD can definitely make us feel disconnected from ourselves. Many times when we dissociate we don't realize we are doing it, and it is often brought to our attention by others who see us "in a trance" or "somewhere else." 

This disconnection can look different to everyone. Here's some common examples:

• An "out of body experience" as if we are watching ourselves from the outside
• Like we are on "autopilot" 
• Intense emotions that feel like they come out of "nowhere" 
• Feeling sad or anxious “for no reason"
• Inability to remember what we did for a period of time
• Feeling emotionally or physically numb
• Being told by others that we look like we go into a "trance" or "somewhere else"
• Disconnection from physical surroundings
• Feeling like the world does not feel "real" (or feeling like we are in a dream or in a movie)
• Unintentional dissociation while doing another task, like driving or working
• Not recognizing ourselves in the mirror
• Confusion

Let's talk about the why behind this "what." 

Dissociation is generally linked back to trauma. Dissociation can be triggered by external stressors (such as having an argument or losing your job) or internal stressors (such as pain or an intrusive memory). When our dissociation is connected to trauma memories or reminders, it is our brain's way of trying to cope through avoidance.  

Dissociation can become a challenge when there is no longer a real threat; this makes it uncertain when another dissociative episode may occur. And dissociative symptoms can make us feel like we are going legit batty. 

So first things first: we're not going "crazy." Unfortunately, dissociation is normal for PTSD. That doesn't mean that it feels good, "normal" simply means that it is an expected symptom of PTSD. The good news is that we can learn how to cope with dissociative episodes and recover from them over time. PTSD recovery is not instant, and it is 100% worth it.

Next week on the blog, we'll go over the "how to" when it comes to coping with dissociative episodes.

*****

“If you believe change is possible, you want to change, and you are willing to do the work, you absolutely CAN get your life back.”

Get your copy of The Soldier's Guide to PTSD, The Soldier's Workbook, 

or Acknowledge & Heal, A Women's-Focused Guide to PTSD