Healthy Boundaries: Holiday Edition

Let's start with a primer: Family knows how to push your buttons because they installed them. 

Going to our families of origin for the holiday season can be stressful and kick up a lot of anxiety triggers. The best way to get a hold of our anxiety and feel grounded and centered is to review boundaries.

Healthy boundaries are the ultimate form of self-respect because they say to the world, "I deserve to be honored, respected, and valued." Boundaries denote confidence. 

Since confidence is one of the casualties of PTSD, we likely have to relearn (or maybe learn for the first time) how to make a healthy and reasonable boundary, how to maintain that boundary, and what to do if someone chooses to ignore it. 

Making healthy boundaries seems like it should be easy and intuitive, but it's not. So let's start.

1. Healthy boundaries make healthy relationships

There is no such thing as a healthy relationship without boundaries, whether it's a marriage, a friend, a colleague, or the relationship that you have with your kids. Healthy boundaries say I deserve to be honored respected and valued and this is important for any healthy interpersonal relationship.

2. People do not know our boundaries unless we state them clearly and succinctly

In a perfect world, people should know how to act, but this is not a thing. Some people think that offensive comments are okay some people don't understand that unsolicited touching is creepy. Let's not waste time getting mad about what "should" be. Instead, let's remember that half the people we meet are below average and common sense is not common. Boundaries are not intuitive. Therefore, we must State our boundaries clearly and concisely, out loud, to other people.

3. Reasonable people respect reasonable boundaries

The inherent problem with this is that not all people are reasonable. Sad news of the day. The world is full of psychopaths and assholes. 

4. It's our boundary, and their choice

We create healthy boundaries, and then we have absolutely no control over other people or how they act. When we state or healthy boundaries, out loud, clearly and concisely, other people then choose whether they want to respect our boundaries or not.

This is hard to hear, so I'm saying this with a lot of love and empathy: when people choose to ignore our reasonable boundaries, they are saying in no uncertain terms, loud and clear, I do not respect you and I do not want a relationship with you that is not on my terms. No exceptions.

Boundaries are vital to relapse prevention for PTSD. You can read more about boundaries in The Soldier's Guide to PTSD and Acknowledge & Heal.

*****

“If you believe change is possible, you want to change, and you are willing to do the work, you absolutely CAN get your life back.”

Get your copy of The Soldier's Guide to PTSD, The Soldier's Workbook, 

or Acknowledge & Heal, A Women's-Focused Guide to PTSD