Friday, July 26, 2024

Toxic Positivity and First Responders

 



First responders are heroes, bravely risking their lives to save others. No doubt about that. They deal with trauma on a daily basis. And when on the job, they must maintain emotional control in order to effectively help those in need. Compartmentalizing emotions is a big part of that. And that’s a mentally and physically demanding thing to do. Their dedication to prioritizing the safety and well-being of their communities often means putting their own needs second.  

Toxic positivity is the band aid they put over their feelings. They suck it up, (or are told to) because that’s what it takes to be a life saver. They see their peers doing just fine and berate themselves for feeing so bad. Or maybe they do mention they’re feeling a bit out of sorts and the feedback they get is one of those phrases listed above. Pick your poison. Any invalidating response when someone reaches out for help is going to result in silence and buried feelings. And that’s what makes this so toxic.  

Now, I’m not saying everything has to be heavy or serious all the time. Having a positive outlook on life is good for your mental well-being. Trying to remain optimistic when times get tough can be good... up to a point. Practicing false cheerfulness, to avoid addressing feelings that are weighing us down, however, leaves negativity to fester and erode our mental health. 

Toxic Positivity can cause serious harm to people who are going through difficult times. Rather than being able to share their troubles and gain much needed support, the invalidation of toxic positivity leaves people feeling dismissed and shamed, compounding the problems they’re already dealing with. 

Among the worst offenders of toxic positive responses, in my opinion, is false praise. Now, I might not be a first responder, but I’ve endured my fair share of trauma. And like you, I avoid having to ask for help. But, when I’ve broken down and finally do reach out for help, I’m hoping the person I’m opening up to will be there for me. To have someone reply with something like, “I just admire how strong you are. I could never endure all you have. Keep up the good work, you’ll get through it.”  

Hearing that is possibly worse than being told to shut up and grow a pair. Not only is it a “no” on the help I’ve asked for, it’s a special kind of knife twist because they’re reminding me of how hard I have struggled while humble bragging about how easy their life is in comparison. It’s not a true validation of the pain, nor an offer for help.  

What do you say after that? Well, just like being told to “suck it up,” when false praise comes back as your answer, there is only one thing to do. 

You shut those feelings down and try to bury them. You push aside any of the bad feelings, the compassion fatigue, and the lingering sense of burnout. You know you have no one but yourself, so you go within. Isolation begins. But feelings don’t like to stay down. They will come up again.

     You blame the bad mood that has become a permanent undercurrent of your personality on a bad call or a poor night of sleep. You look to your peers to see just how weak you are in comparison. Shame sets in.  

This is where the stigma reinforces the idea that if someone is struggling, they might not have what it takes to do the job.  

You start gaslighting yourself.  

“None of the others on the team seem to have problems. I just have to try harder. Suck it up. Don’t be such a whiner. Things could be worse.” 

Talking about problems is taboo, so you don’t want to burden anyone (including your loved ones) with your trivial feelings. You become avoidant of social situations because what’s the point? Isolation becomes an additional part of your personality. You say it’s because you don’t want to drag everyone down with your mood, or you’re just too tired after a long day. Maybe you start self-medicating at the end of the shift to help raise your spirits. And for a while, maybe you think that’s all you need. Alcohol numbs the pain a bit. Sleeping pills help you get more rest. But the truth is, if you’re self-medicating to help keep those buried feelings numb and isolating from your support network, you’re already half-way down the slippery slope.  

You can’t ignore trauma, and there is no way to think it away with happy thoughts. You have to address it or the problem will get worse. It’s not weakness to ask for help. And if you have asked and been treated to some toxic positivity for your trouble, I’m sorry. But you have to try again. Reach out to your support network, close friends, family, and your partner. The people who love you will not see your problems as a burden. They want to see you healthy. 


*****

If you believe change is possible, you want to change, and you are willing to do the work, you absolutely CAN get your life back.”

Get your copy of The Soldier's Guide to PTSDThe Soldier's Workbook

or Acknowledge & Heal, A Women's-Focused Guide to PTSD

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