Survivors Guilt: The Shame of Being the One who Lived

  

One of the most significant causes of first responder trauma is guilt. This is often linked to compassion fatigue or high levels of empathizing with victims, but the guilt often comes from feeling helpless or even shame over surviving. The simple fact is that first responders encounter death in the course of their work. 

When there’s an emergency, first responders are the ones heading to the action, actively trying to prevent the loss of life or a traumatic outcome. They're faced with harrowing scenarios such as car accidents, mass casualties, and building fires where they cannot save everyone.  

Survivor’s guilt is a difficult emotion to navigate through, especially for first responders, because they’re more inclined to experience a heightened amount of traumatic events compared to the general population. 

Survivor’s guilt takes the form of a firefighter feeling guilty about not being able to save a life while risking their own in the blaze of fire, an EMT whose patient dies en route to hospital, a police officer whose partner, standing inches away, took a bullet that was meant for them. 

Feeling lucky to be alive is an emotion many of us might not associate with guilt. Some may not even realize they are experiencing it, or they struggle to recognize that the weight they are carrying alongside their grief is actually a sense of guilt. 

Be aware of the signs

Some signs that indicate a person may be struggling with survivor’s guilt. If they’re expressing any of the following thoughts or making these comments after a traumatic event:

“I don’t deserve help when someone else needs it more than me.”

“I keep thinking if only I had…”

“I feel like there was more I could have done.”

“I should have…”

“Why was I the one that survived?”

“I’m so angry at myself for not trying harder.” 

“How can I be happy when all those others who died cannot?”

“Why should I enjoy life experiences when they can’t?”

When faced with loss or trauma, this guilt can consume us, leading to self-destructive coping mechanisms such as substance abuse. We may also feel unworthy of receiving help and finding happiness after experiencing such pain when others could not. It's almost as if we feel we owe the world something for being alive. But what many don't realize is that holding onto this guilt can be harmful to our well-being. We all deserve the chance to live a fulfilling life, regardless of what happened in the past. 

As with Shame and Toxic Positivity, you can’t ignore the feelings. You have to address them or the problem will get worse.

THE BOTTOM LINE: When someone is suffering, they need to know that their emotions are valid, and they can find relief and love in their friends and family. 

*****

“If you believe change is possible, you want to change, and you are willing to do the work, you absolutely CAN get your life back.”

Get your copy of The Soldier's Guide to PTSD, The Soldier's Workbook, 

or Acknowledge & Heal, A Women's-Focused Guide to PTSD