Toxic relationships are like poison to our well-being, and setting boundaries is the antidote. Boundaries serve as a way for us to communicate what is acceptable or unacceptable in our lives. However, for those who have experienced trauma, this can be a difficult task. Trauma can leave us feeling vulnerable and questioning our self-worth, leading us to fall back on unhealthy coping mechanisms or people-pleasing behaviors to avoid conflict.
But establishing healthy boundaries is an act of self-respect. It sends a clear message to ourselves and others that we deserve to be treated with honor, respect, and value. Boundaries also demonstrate confidence. Since confidence is often one of the casualties of PTSD, we have to relearn (or maybe learn for the first time) how to make a healthy, reasonable boundary, how to maintain it, and what to do if someone chooses to ignore it.
Making healthy boundaries seems like it should be easy and intuitive, but it definitely is not. Let’s start here:
Ground Rules
1. Healthy boundaries make healthy relationships.
Boundaries are essential in any healthy relationship, whether it's between spouses, friends, coworkers, or parents and children. They communicate that one deserves to be treated with honor, respect, and value, which is crucial for maintaining healthy interpersonal connections.
2. People do not know our boundaries unless we state them clearly and succinctly.
Yes, in a perfect world, people “should” know how to act, but, let’s be real, not everyone is great at adulting. Some people don’t know that racist comments are not okay. Some people don’t understand that unsolicited touching is creepy. Let’s not waste time getting mad about what “should be.” Instead, let’s remember that half the people we meet are below average and common sense is not common. Boundaries are not intuitive. We must state our boundaries clearly and concisely - out loud - to other people.
3. Reasonable people respect reasonable boundaries.
The inherent problem with this is that not all people are reasonable. Sad news of the day: the world is full of psychopaths and assholes. When people choose to ignore reasonable boundaries, they are sometimes the former and usually the latter. The problem is not our boundary, it is their choice.
4. Our boundaries, their choice.
We create healthy boundaries, and we have absolutely no control over other people or how they act. When we state our healthy boundaries - out loud - clearly and concisely, other people then choose whether they want to respect our boundaries or not. If they choose to respect the boundary, great. If not, then we know this is not a healthy interpersonal connection to maintain.
*****
“If you believe change is possible, you want to change, and you are willing to do the work, you absolutely CAN get your life back.”
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